Author: Candice M.

We’ve all had them. Long term friendships, and not so long term ones, that are going along great and then suddenly….BAM!…something happens and that friendship changes and is never the same again. Or maybe something has been brewing over time and the day has come that the relationship is forced to adjust. This stands for not only friendships, but any relationship. Every person we are in relations with exists within a multitude of delicate frequencies based on personalities, preferences and perspective. Navigating the emotional tides and storms of two independent, yet interconnected, people can be equal parts thrilling and daunting. Sometimes we know we really do like or love someone, but we don’t like or love their behavior or choices all the time. If their behavior is not a deal breaker to the friendship and we choose to have them in our lives (as opposed to cutting ties and walking away), then the next step is to work through the challenging energy of change within the dynamic of our relationship.

When our friendship goes from being one thing to never being the same again, it has changed. This very word, change, means to be altered and made different, transformed; to have a different position or course, or to be replaced with something else.

Sometimes the shifts are for our growth and are not necessarily, what we might think, for the better. Our friendships transform and are never the same after many different kinds experiences. Perhaps we had an argument, maybe we don’t feel comfortable with their choices and activities, or it could be from a move, marriage, baby, or any other big life change. We no longer have what seemed to be working for us both; a wrench was thrown in the works.

Working through friendships that are morphing is not for the faint hearted. It takes sweat, blood, and tears sometimes to process through a difficult phase in a friendship. Coming through the other side with our friendship still intact is a fine feeling indeed. THAT is when the friendship will never be the same, and why would we want it to be? We have grown. We have worked together. We expanded our consciousness and learned things about ourselves and the world around us. We stretched, and chances are that our friendship is so much stronger and better because of it.

In the midst of the winds of change in our friendships it is helpful if we do a few things consistently. (Yes, we have now reached the bullet-point section of the article, so take note!)

~ Set aside time to talk face to face or on the phone when both of us are calm.

Adrenaline makes us stupid. It really does, go Google it. It puts into fight or flight mode and makes communication emotionally charged and warped because of it. Setting a time to talk allows us to have time to think about what we want to communicate and gives us a chance to work on expressing ourselves as authentically as possible. It also creates less miscommunication because the human touch is involved through voice and/or facial expressions. Sending emails, texts and messages via computer or phone is cause of a ridiculous amount of miscommunication and drama that I’ve noticed. Not to mention, when we are in a highly agitated emotional state, we read the words of text through the eyes of our anger, pain and fear. We easily skew things based on our mood as we are reading. Don’t believe me? The next couple times you read an email or a text and you are angry, go back later and read it when you are calm. I’ve caught myself missing words and phrases entirely because one little thing triggered my anger and adrenaline.

~ State the facts of how we feel without bringing a lot of emotion into it.

This can be a hard one for many of us. We really can speak of our anger without reacting from it. If we have agreed to come together and work towards resolution, then we must give ourselves a chance to each state our position, our feelings, and our ideas for how to resolve any issues between us.

~ Take accountability for our individual participation.

This means knowing and admitting where we each fell short, regardless of whose “fault” we think it is. This also means being accountable for how we will show up in the future or during this time of change and challenge.

~ Acts of kindness

This might seem an unnecessary thing in terms of communication and conflict resolution between friends, but it seals the deal with an element of gratitude and love. Paying it forward, doing something for another, and being in service are all a balm to a tender healing friendship.

I’ve watched many relationships suffer because one or both parties will not focus on resolution or how to get past a difficult time; I have sometimes been this person. I have lost friends that don’t choose IN to being in relationship with me, or those that don’t choose it in a healthy way, or those that don’t agree with my personal boundaries. I’ve watched emotions come into play to a degree that reason and logic are lost, and all parties continue to act on emotion over, and over again into a downward spiral. But I’ve also invested the time and energy to communicate, to learn, and to connect to those I’ve experienced discord with. The relationships that have healed with work on both sides are some of the most beautiful I enjoy being part of.

Try using these techniques in any of your difficult relationships and chances are you may see some energy shifts that can bring about healing and constructive communication between you. Or, if you feel comfortable, communicate clearly to your person in question that this relationship is important to you and you would like to work together in finding solutions, and creating something that is amicable for you both.

May your interactions be filled with heart space energy.

Namaste

Excitement has side effects if not properly harnessed; it can turn into nerves which then morph into fear. Have you ever noticed yourself or others laughing too much, blushing and flushing, left speechless or frozen when overly excited or nervous? It’s an uncomfortable and embarrassing by-product of the emotions, thoughts, hormones and chemicals going on the body when someone is subject to elation, thrill, or frenzy. Me? I talk too fast and blush too much.

Maybe you can relate to something like performing or speaking in front of others for the first time, or competing in a tournament. You want the experience, you have been preparing for it, you are getting really excited….more excited now….into full blown, “Holy spit, I CAN’T do this,” mode!!

Aaaaaaaaand, in sweeps F E A R.
False Evidence Appearing Real

When we want something, we get excited right? Then that excitement turns into fear and all our excuses and negative feelings start coming up.

We humans are bent on making stories up in our heads, overreacting to things, making amazing assumptions, and convincing ourselves of straight up lies. The lies that we can’t, that we aren’t good enough, smart enough, fast enough. Maybe we don’t even know the lies, it’s just an obscured belief from childhood that keeps playing out subconsciously in our lives that we aren’t this, or can’t do that.

Ok, with that said, I will say that we must appreciate fear. It’s feeling a little picked on at the moment so let us give fear its due appreciation and credit for being a helpful experience on this Earthly life. Fear exists to keep us safe on a primal level; to warn us of impending attack or harm. It boosts adrenaline and creates superhero like power in some cases. Fear is an amazing tool that can be used to keep us alert and educated to be safe in any endeavor, and to let us know when our lives are truly in danger.

Fear gives birth to shame, worthlessness, anger, and more. Fear hides behind these other feelings as well. These are very sneaky feelings. Because they are disguised in some form of fear (they were born from fear, remember) and because fear is often disguised as these other feelings, they get us thinking that we are going to be harmed by that person, or this experience; we think that these other feelings disguised as fear are keeping us safe. It tells us not to do something so we don’t risk making a mistake and a fool of ourselves. It makes us feel safe by justifying our lack of attendance in life experiences that make us overly nervous and shut down, so we avoid things and people altogether. Fear keeps us from having that relationship we so deeply ache for, that we won’t risk even one ounce of our hearts for, because we are afraid of pain.

Life is not meant to be lived stagnantly. Change is happening around us whether we choose to be aware of it or not. It sweeps us up and begs for us to grow within its experience. Are you in? Or are you complacent with letting change make you its plaything?

In or Out, 
It’s Your Choice

If we are in – INtentional. INterested, INformed, INtelligent, and INspired, then we can be badass at anything we want to be badass at! The most badass people that have ever lived, in any timeline, in any culture, in any part of the word, have surely made mistakes and looked a fool while they practiced their badassery. Did they experience fear? Sure thing. But they held onto the excitement of their goals consistently.

When we allow fear to control us, things that make us nervous keep us from showing up fully in our lives and for others. We miss out on beautiful experiences, business contacts, learning opportunities, serving others, and expanding our awareness. The Universe has fewer opportunities to bring us what we truly want and need. Then we get to play victim by feeling shut down, thinking and declaring to the world that life has nothing but crap to give us. Here is a phrase we all must remember.

It is a choice.

How Much Do We Want What We Want?

Aside from brainstorming and daydreaming, I believe that at a great level, we do really want something when we say we want it. But when it’s a big, bad, scary, FEAR based thing that we want….that healthy romantic relationship, the job we have a passion for, that move to another city, to have a fit body, to quit smoking….we sabotage ourselves. We might want it but we don’t want it quite enough to make it happen; that takes 100% commitment and usually involves making significant lifestyle changes and doing deep personal work. Sometimes we never do what we need to do to accomplish our goals and dreams. Sometimes we are addicted to the same old trauma, drama, and illness.

Sometimes though, the process takes time. Years even. Our desire grows until it is strong enough to get to that critical moment when we actually take the steps needed to create what we want. Processing through fears, conditioning, and beliefs can take a long time. Quiet contemplation allows us to get to know the self well enough to recognize if we are growing and evolving slowly, or simply stuck in a pattern.

To have any change, or to have things we want, we have to want it bad enough that it permeates every. fiber. of. our. being! We must want it to a level that gives us strength, hope, and courage, even during our darkest times. The light of our power, the intentions in the heart, and the actions we take shine into our lives to keep us motivated and happy. We are working towards what we want; not every stepping stone is the destination, nor every situation permanent.

Sometimes the journey is the bigger achievement than actually reaching the goal.

So, ask yourselves what you really want, if you are willing to do what it takes to get it, and recognize when your fear is keeping you from living fully and authentically. Take your fear and convert it back to excitement for your life!

“Expectations are premeditated disappointments,” was how my friend put it to me one day. I chuckled at this and I’ve definitely seen how expectations of things and people cause us unnecessary suffering. When I was a teen and young woman, I wanted my birthday every year to go a very specific way; after all, it was my birthday. I’d plan things, hope for things, wish for things, do my best to have a good time, and many times things fell through, I’d spend little time with friends or family, or I’d just have a bad day (think flat tires, losing keys, getting fired, etc.) I have long since worked myself out of birthday expectations, and over the last decade I’ve made it a personal journey to release expectations I have in relationships.

Many things in relationships are challenging that’s for sure. We are subject to the moods, actions, and lifestyles of others while in relationship. Sharing a home with others brings a whole new set of energies to learn to navigate with, or around. Being in relationship with anything, be it your mother, husband, child, friend, cell phone, or car – takes two things to mesh a bit into one. When we combine, we are in relationship of. It’s an energetic exchange.

So, if we are combining then there is a balancing act going on with my part and your part. We each interact, show up, and are part of this relationship, right? So having personal accountability (to explain actions or be responsible for something we took part in) is kind of an essential ingredient to the relationship complexity. You aren’t responsible for me angrily snapping at you, that was my choice. I’m not responsible for you not paying me back the money you owe when we agreed upon, that was your choice. Our own actions, behaviors, and reactions need to be put under the microscope instead of projecting things onto other people as is the wont of the human ego.

My mother has often told me that I’m the only person she knows that works so hard at personal awareness and self growth. I’ve heard similar things from a handful of others over the years as well. This does not mean that I am full of light, love, and kindness all the time, but that I have a desire to overcome the not so pleasant parts of myself. Much of my progress has been slow, some has been quick, but it’s always evolving; always moving. I know the freedom, healing and peace that can come from looking within oneself, and I never stop practicing that. So when I hear that my expectations are “too much” or that I shouldn’t have any, (I don’t appreciate being should on by the way,) I am aware that I have them and how I am feeling is bringing me unnecessary suffering.

HOWEVER

Balance, contrasts, and another side of the coin exists in everything. Sometimes having hopes or desires for others to engage with common sense relationship skills and common courtesies is NOT about having too many expectations. To have a desire that those we love will behave in kind, thoughtful ways is NOT about having too many expectations. Nothing has to be 50/50 all the time; if it were, we’d be robots. We fluctuate with life and sometimes we take 20% while giving 80%, but then other times might have us getting 60% while our loved one gets 40%. It’s an exchange of love and energy when we actually move outside of ourselves to reach out to those we are in relationship with. When the status quo is showing the percentages consistently staying stuck in tired patterns, and it is no longer a shared experience of care, thoughtfulness, connection, and respect, then for those of us with big, huge, ginormous hearts……it stings a bit.

Yes, there are probably mystics and guru’s and calm people in the world that don’t let anything get under their skin, at all, ever. They have practiced detachment and freedom from expectations so they are happy in every relationship they have. Well, most of us aren’t there yet. Be patient with us.

Let the Scape Goat Escape

Our perspective of what expectations others may or may not have does not give us license to use them as scape goat to avoid personal accountability for how we actually do show up for others. Before we write off someone else’s experience, take a moment to ask ourselves:

Could I be doing more to show this person I care?
What have I done lately to cultivate this relationship?
What extra effort can I put into connecting with this person?
What kinds of things are important to them?
What might they appreciate from me? It might not be what you would like or might think they would like, so ask!

It’s true that a lot of the time our hurt feelings or irritation is about our expectations and when we have a lot of them that leave us feeling hurt and bitter all the time, or being unkind to others because of it, then it is on us to take accountability for that.

There are few absolutes in the world and this is not one of them; it isn’t always about expectations.

Every one of us has different ways of showing up in relationships. There are a myriad of ways that we show love, communicate, and express our emotions with our loved ones. Some people call, some send meme’s, some send correspondence and cards in the mail, private emails with deep conversation, some send flowers, come visit, run an errand, plan an outing, give little gifts, babysit our kids, or meet for coffee as ways to show up, show care, cultivate and maintain relationships. It takes work to develop and keep relationships alive; it takes ACTION.

Why do we think people get SO happy and emotional when someone goes just a touch out of their way to do something thoughtful? Because we are hungry for more human connection!! Real time. Face to face. Something other than text messages, Tweets, and Facebook posts. Technology is but only one piece of the relationship puzzle, but too many use it as the only means of connecting.

Get real. Connect in more profound ways. Don’t let those you love pull away or even pass away before you look back and realize that you wished you would have done more.